The Pull

I feel pulled in different directions and I get the sense that my life is top-heavy, so to speak. Now, after this last year and a half, I am very thankful to have a job, a job where they pay me to do something I am pretty good at and usually enjoy. That’s not the problem. The problem is that my life feels out of balance. From June 2013 until June of 2014, I had no job and it was by choice. I wanted to spend time with my family and follow after Jesus in the only way I knew how; unhealthily. I spent a lot of time with my family with no resources to pursue any other goals or dreams, nor did it seem that there was much provision for those goals and dreams. I am pretty sure that experience of joblessness and no income stream happened because I asked, and Papa God was wise in letting me learn a very uncomfortable lesson: if you have a family and live in the modern world, income is necessary more than not.

How is life out of balance? I have a dream of living my life free from my resources of time and money being constrained. How will that look? I want to work with technology part-time, when I want to, probably as an independent contractor. I want to garden and do permaculture things for myself and others. This will free up money and I get to play with interesting systems and efficiency solutions. I am finding this dream of permaculture design/implementation and gardening is a growing dream that becomes more interesting the more I look at it. Heck, I even want to dabble in blacksmithing and rustic cooking. And let’s be honest, I want to play Minecraft too.

From our trip to the Redwoods and the north Pacific coast.

From our trip to the Redwoods and the north Pacific coast.

I have a need to be surrounded by beauty and the natural shapes, smells, and sounds. I want, as my friend Jeff Symons once said, “I want to be able to eat my backyard.”  Ha! Cherie, wants me to eat more fruits and veggies and I don’t want to pay for them. Truthfully, I want to eat them too but I cringe at the cost. And I very much want to be able to spend time with my family and spend money without worry if we can pay on debts (or pay them off) or buy diapers.

I am starting to feel this pull and these resource-contraints on a daily basis and I am starting to ask questions of Papa God about how to go about this. I feel this pull every time we go to the grocery store and the fruits/veggies look old and waxy. I feel this pull every time I see a hill and think of how to trap water runoff to solve drought/deserts. I feel this pull every time I pay rent, knowing I am not rooted and established in that place. I feel this pull every time my daughter asks me not to go to work in the morning because I can’t hold her. This morning she asked me, “Why you go out all da time?” The question froze me and in the mere seconds it took to reply with, “Because I have to,” she curtly gave me a kiss and said bye so she could watch TV, in what felt like a dismissal. She’s barely 2 and a half years old.

I want to slow my life down because the life of  full-time technology worker is fast-paced and I am finding out, I have NEVER been fast-paced. No wonder I am tired since there never seems to be enough time to do the important things at home. I feel like the rhythm of my life is out of sync and too fast. This problem BEGS for a solution because my heart and spirit craves the natural rhythm of hearth and home, natural problems to solve.

Thankfully I am wired into the One who has the solution because I know I have written about this before and here I am yet again.


About fulloffire

I love Jesus, I love my wife, I love my baby girl, and I love our dogs. I love seeing people lit on fire for God, our all consuming fire and passionate lover of our souls. I hate sickness, disease, death, debt, unemployment and any other injustice. I love people.
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